[MUD-Dev] Whereabouts of 'Evil MUD Admin' Handbook

[Michael Tresca]

Koster, Raph posted on Wednesday, January 08, 2003 11:27 PM

> Yeah, but it sounds like Lorry's Confessions of an Arch-Wizard. As
> it happens, I've been mailing back and forth with him (Michael
> Lawrie) recently. He's recently revamped the official site where
> it is hosted, which is http://arch-wizard.com/.

> BTW, this doc is not meant in jest, it's meant completely
> seriously. That's part of what I've been discussing with him...

This advertisement for Complete and Utter Kaos brought to you by
OPMB, the Organization for Powerful and Mischevious Beings:

  http://lorry.org/arch-wizard/footnote.html

A word from our president: "I took a final responsibility to run the
game as an all powerful and mischeivous being as opposed to just a
boring and fair overseer," -- Lorry.

Are you tired of kind and benevolent coding staff?  Do you feel that
your game is TOO FAIR?  If your administrator had the choice between
running over a puppy's head or cuddling it, would he choose the
nicer, rated G version?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you just might
be interested in joining the OPMB*.

At OPMB, we don't tolerate such foolishness.  Let's face it, we're
all scum-sucking bastards at heart, right?  So why don't we just let
it all hang out and let every player know what they already suspect
-- we really ARE out to get them!

That's right, at OPMB, we don't lie about our motives.  We hate you.
Yes, YOU.  We're the spider, you're the fly.  We're the venus fly
trap, you're the...uh, fly.  We're the beartrap, you're the bear --
okay, wait that made you sound too good.  YOU'RE A LITTLE HELPLESS
PUPPY TRAPPED IN THE BEARTRAP.  Whine puppy, WHINE FOR YOUR MOMMY!

At OPMB, we do things right the first time, by creating a shallow
hierarchy of clueless staff that we keep on their toes by constantly
brutalizing them in a culture of fear.  Sure, it's tough.  But then,
life isn't fair, so why should our game be?

And let's be honest: Having an active coding staff involved in any
game is a blessing, a blessing that requires you to kiss our asses
every day for our mere beatific presence, should we choose to log
in.  Yes, we blame you, the player, for our constant devotion to our
virtual ego trips.  As a result of our continual slavish adherence
to the game, we lost our girlfriends, our incomes, and every las
shred of dignity.  To make up for it, we will piss on all your
pathetic virtual heads every day.  All that only makes up for a
small percentage of the five years, 6 hours a night, 340 days** we
sacrificed to this sucking black hole we call a game.

Don't be fooled, being a wizard on other MUDs is as boring as dirt,
boring as watching paint dry, boring as...TEACHING NURSERY SCHOOL.
It's boring and stupid.  And you're stupid.  And boring.

So why don't you try OPMB?  It's easy.  You've got a nuke power.  A
whimdeath power.  Everybody does it.  The cool kids are doing it.
So why don't you nuke somebody today, for no reason whatsoever?****
That will set you on the first step to being interesting.  Fair,
polite people smell like ass.  You don't want to smell like ass do
you?

We didn't think so.  So start committing random acts of violence and
attacking your players at the earliest opportunity.  You'll be glad
you did.


========OPMB - It's True, We Hate You=============


* OPMB reserves the right to change its mind at any time about any
of this stuff.  After all, we're MISCHEVIOUS (TM).  Did we mention
that we all have gorgeous wives and make millions of dollars and we
just code games as a hobby?

** That's 10,200 hours, dumbass.  Just because you couldn't
calculate that faster than us, we're going to nuke this puppy***
over here.  NOW DON'T YOU FEEL STUPID?!

*** If you're a cat person, it's a KITTEN instead!  SUCK OFF!

**** There MIGHT be a reason you nuked all the female characters
whose names started with "S" after your girlfriend Shiela broke up
with you. But never admit to that, you're capricious (patent
pending)!


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